Through my own experiences with pregnancy, birth and motherhood and through my experiences as a birth doula I have come to see the sacredness of each and every detail of pregnancy, birth and the transition into motherhood.
We spend our entire pregnancies opening up. Our bodies open to make space to nurture a new life. We prepare our homes by opening space for a new inhabitant. We prepare our families. And as we await childbirth, we prepare our bodies to open and release what it has held so closely.
It is my experience that the journey through childbirth is the most vulnerable, raw and open a woman can ever be. She is thrust into a place of physical and spiritual vulnerability. This is not a weak vulnerability, but uniquely powerful.
I have come to recognize that after months of becoming open and after the hours spent in the struggle of birth that women then enter a time of much needed sealing. Our bodies begin to seal up again. Our spirits begin to draw closure from the transformation of birth. Women experience a giant shift in self during this time of complete openness to a time of regathering ourselves to become mothers to our children.
There is so much more on the process of birth that I plan to dig into, but I say all of these words to explain one reason I feel the great need to share my birth story. It is part of this sealing ceremony. To gather the story, reflect and share. So, it is with great vulnerability and pride that I share the story of my second child, Kilian Rhein.
It all began on March 31st when I was 40 weeks 4 days pregnant. That whole day I had felt the need to let myself release tension and to reconnect with my daughter. So I spent the day doing whatever I could to intentionally focus deeply on her and to enjoy the spring blossoms around us. My daughter often asks me to bathe with her during her bath times. As my pregnancy progressed it became increasingly uncomfortable to bathe in our little bath with her. That evening, however, I decided to spend a good amount of time bathing with her. After she was tucked into bed I had a small glass of wine and felt the same draw to intentionally spend time reconnecting with my husband. I had been having consistent braxton hicks contractions for a few days, but I woke up at 2:00 am that morning feeling more sensation. I also experienced a good two hours of unusual insomnia. Eventually all the sensation I was feeling went away and I was able to get some sleep.
That next morning, April 1st, I suggested we take a family walk around the wildlife refuge close to us. We did that at about 9:30 am. A few times on our walk I began to feel those same sensations I had the night before. Once we were home around lunch time I was having those mild sensations, which I was unsure were contractions, consistently 5-8 minutes apart. My husband called into work and we spent a few hours seeing if it would progress. I updated my midwife at 1:30 pm that afternoon. She confirmed what I had suspected, it seemed like I was in early labor. Throughout the afternoon the pattern remained the same. I was starting to doubt that this was going to lead to anything active, so after a delicious lamb dinner and another glass of red wine we all decided to settle down and watch a movie. My daughter chose The Lion King, her favorite movie of all-time. So I snuggled with her and watched the movie. During this time my contractions seem to fade away more and were less consistent. While my husband and my daughter finished the movie, I decided to take a warm bath.
I got out of the bath at about 7:30 pm as the movie was finishing. Fifteen minutes later I began having stronger sensations that were coming on much quicker. Suddenly my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart lasting only around 30 seconds and while still mild in intensity, they were noticeably stronger than before.
We put our daughter to bed at 8:00 pm and I then called my midwife. She instructed us to begin filling the birthing tub. Because my contractions were still only 30-45 seconds apart, I was doubtful that I was going to be giving birth soon. While my husband was filling the tub, I recall spending time on my hands and knees surprised at how quickly the contractions were coming. I sent my midwife a text message updating her that they were now all about 2 minutes apart. We also updated our family, including my stepmom who came to care for Emery during the birth.
Our midwife arrived at 9:20 pm and although I was still doubtful that this was the real thing, she made it quite obvious by setting up all of her gear. I was incredibly joyful and excited that our baby was to come. At around 10:00 pm my midwife checked my cervix. I was 4 cm dilated. I labored walking around often, trying to remain standing upright as much as possible. I felt things begin to shift where I could not at all focus on anything around me. This was around 11:15 pm and at that point I asked to get in the birthing pool. It was at this point that I felt the need to vocalize through each contraction. It felt unbelievably relieving to sing and chant through each contraction.
It was then 12:00 am, April 2nd, I asked my midwife to check me again. Hopeful that I would be having one of those quick second births. I was 6 cm dilated. It wasn’t the number I wanted to hear, but it also was not discouraging. I continued to say out loud that I can do this and spent almost every contraction relying on my husband for physical support.
It was during this time that I recall drawing inward a great deal. I imagined my body opening and I imagined holding my child. I reminded myself often that these sensations are to be welcomed. And honestly, I did welcome them. They were never too much for me to handle. I was eager to be finished because birth is an intense struggle, but I would welcome each contraction knowing that it was one step closer to that finish line. And I would soak in the space in between, resting between each contraction. It wasn’t long before I began to feel pushy during the peak of each contraction. When my midwife heard this, she came into the room my husband and I were laboring in and checked me. This as at 1:00 am. I was 9 1/2 cm dilated. I just had a small anterior lip. We decided to try to have her guide me through pushing past that lip. That did not work, so at that point she suggested I take a shower and that my husband will lift up my abdomen during contractions to encourage baby to engage deeper into the pelvis. I did NOT want to do this, but I knew I needed to do something to encourage my body to fully open up so I could hold my baby. So I spent a few contractions in the shower. I spent even more standing in the birthing pool swaying through each contraction with my husband to hold onto.
At 2:30 am, my midwife suggested we check my cervix again since I was still not overwhelmingly pushy but still experiencing great pressure. On the trek from the birthing pool to the bedroom, my water broke. My midwife checked my cervix again and it was about the same so she had me do some pushes on the bed. It was during this time that she noticed babies heart rate was alarmingly low during and after each push. If babies heart rate would have gone back up quickly after each push, it would not have been as concerning. She also noticed that although my pushing was accurate, baby was not descending as a second baby should. Baby was seemingly in a more challenging position. Because of the concerns with babies heart rate and not knowing how much longer it would be until I gave birth, my midwife suggested it is best we get to a hospital to ensure that baby is born is healthy. Making the transfer was not easy. Although I wanted to push, it was best for me not to push based on babies heart rate after each push. So instead I had to do quick breaths during each contraction, holding back the urge to push. The car ride to the hospital was not comfortable. We arrived at the hospital at 3:40 am and I began to panic. I immediately was overwhelmed with fear that I was going to be rolled in the OR and that my baby was not healthy.
When we arrived at the hospital I was overwhelmed with questions and needles and doctors and nurses yelling at me. I called them all evil and demanded pain medication. I wanted to ensure that if I had to have a C-Section that I would be awake during the process. An epidural would ensure that for me, but luckily my baby was born before an epidural or C-Section would become the best option. This entire time babies heart rate was concerning so they had to roll me from side to side and finally onto my hands and knees. While in this position I felt my baby move in a very intense way and suddenly my body began to push uncontrollably. In just a few pushes I felt the burning sensation that told me I was so close to holding my child. A couple more pushes and I felt the incredibly sensation of my babies body leaving mine. It was 4:10 am. Instant relief and no more contractions. My husband burst into tears and said to me “It’s Kilian Rhein, Nicole. It’s Kilian. We have a boy!”
Looking back on this beautiful, intense experience I feel incredibly empowered. I feel so in tune with my body, my spirit, my Creator, my husband and my children. While our plans did not unfold in the exact manner we had anticipated, I still am incredibly happy with the birth of my son. I am incredibly thankful for the compassion and vigilance of my midwife. I am so thankful for the unwavering love and support of my husband throughout the entire process. I am thankful for my family who supported me. I am thankful for my Creator who gifted me with the abilities to nourish and nurture life. And I am so thankful that I listened to the beckoning to experience this birth fully.
And so thus begins my sealing process. While Kilian’s birth was not entirely what we planned, I have absolutely no regrets. My soul already aches to return to that sacred space where my husband and I intimately journeyed together in the depths of birth to welcome our son. If I was given the chance to relive a small number of days in my life — the top two would absolutely be the birth of my daughter and the birth of my son. What holy, magnificent transformation took place on those days.
a wild whisper 