I’m 10 years deep into this motherhood gig and I’m still finding the space and granting myself the grace to feel all the contradictory feelings that come with this role. The messy concoction of lonely and crowded, bored and overwhelmed, joyous and in grief. I miss baby smiles and long for days when tiny fingerprints will not cover all my windows. I remember the sweet toddler voices and look forward to days when screeching kid cries belong to someone else. But there are times when I can just pause and see what is before me at this exact moment. I see beauty in its purest form unfurling before me. Unexpectedly, it can take my breath away. I witness incredible self discovery with my firstborn each day now, that’s just the age we are at. My second child conquers new skills frequently, needing me less and less. Sometimes, I fear that I will be receded once my children are grown. So much of who I am has been put into actively being their mother. I know I will always be their mother. But now that they require less of me and less of my energy, I am getting pieces of my old self back and it feels foreign. This has heightened those contradictory feelings. I am allowing myself to wholly feel them, despite my impulse to tuck them deep, deep down. I think this practice of feeling, all the good and all the bad, is necessary for healing and mindfulness. So here I am…feeling. I long for aspects of my own childhood, I long for those early years of marriage where everything felt like an adventure, and I miss those blissful moments of early parenting I was gifted with. But right before me is what all of those days led up to. Yesterday is the never-ending goodbye. But today is our first meeting. So I feel what I need and then I take the deepest breath of the life that surrounds me here and now.
a wild whisper 